I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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