So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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