Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
