Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
