so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
