I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
