You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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