He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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