I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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