you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
