I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
