I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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