fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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