I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
