I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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