My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
