I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
