I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
