my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
