I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
