I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
