There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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