You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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