Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
