i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Walk of Shame today included voting.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
