My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
