I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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