I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My balls are so social today.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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