If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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