I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
