Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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