peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I love you. Go after that dick
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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