I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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