Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
