well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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