my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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