I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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