I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
