GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
