Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
