so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
