Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."