hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?