he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
sex in a hospital.. check
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.