my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO