:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."