I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i think my cat just said my name.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
