Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
