I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
