Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
