Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
