I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
