oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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