the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
