just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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