i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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