i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
