Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize