Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
