I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
